Jenny had a problem with her ex boyfriend. To get back together, she needed him to understand that she required real commitment.
Brian was an on again off again kind of man. He would get really serious with her for a while and then back off and say they should see other people. This had happened three times and Jenny was tired of saying Brian was her boyfriend and then her ex boyfriend. To get back together this time would require something more.
So, Jenny sat down and decided what she needed from Brian. She decided that she would pursue a two prong strategy.
First of all, she said that they could get back together one more time. If he called things off after that, she would move on with her life. Brian had to be really serious this time.
But the second prong was just as important. Jenny realized that part of the problem was hers. She always pushed to intensify the relationship too soon. Brian would comply initially but then ask for more space after a couple of weeks.
So, Jenny decided that this time, Brian would set the pace for the relationship. She wouldn’t pressure him to make commitments other than not seeing other women. Other than that fundamental principle, he would control the pace of the relationship.
When Jenny presented this solution to her ex boyfriend, to get back together with the understanding that he would control the pace, Brian was quite receptive.
Brian, like most men, needed to be the pursuer. When Jenny set the pace, she took away his ability to pursue her. He found that he felt both emasculated and suffocated at the same time.
So, Jenny stopped calling him. She let Brian call her. She stopped suggesting date ideas and let him set things up.
Jenny found that at first they didn’t go out as often as she would have liked. And, their dates were less “creative” than they would have been had she planned them.
But, she also found that the time they spent together was more meaningful than it had been in the past. Brian no longer felt like he was a fish out of water when he was with her. And, he no longer needed to take “breaks” from her.
Jenny first needed to decide what she wanted. She knew she wanted Brian and she knew she wanted him full time.
But, she also needed to figure out what Brian wanted. He wanted to have space and he also wanted to be in control of the relationship. Despite being a modern woman, Jenny realized that this was important to Brian.
Suddenly, Brian was no longer an ex boyfriend. To get back with your ex, figure out what you want and what he needs. Then deliver.
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